I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
