remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it was like eating out sand paper
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
