Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
