...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize