My room smells like vodka and shame
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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