is your mom at the bar?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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