I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
