just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
