I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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