you guys were way drunker than both of me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
