so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
