Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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