dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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