I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
