Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
