My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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