Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My liver just broke up with me...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
