also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
