Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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