im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
