happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There's always time for handjobs
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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