come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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