Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize