seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
