U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just want to make out with him forever
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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