i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
