what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
