I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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