Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
