someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
