I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
