xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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