He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
