I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My bed smells like the plague
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
