my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
