I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
