I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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