So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I deserve this hangover.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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