Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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