somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
