it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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