so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
