I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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