Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
