When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
