I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize