Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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