the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
