I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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