i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
