I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
