when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
