The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you would pick up someone in the library
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
