I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
