DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize