i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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