Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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