question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize