Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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