I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
