i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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