Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize