the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
