We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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