3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
