I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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