Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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