I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
