So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize