non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
