i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
