i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
then he tried to convert me to islam
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
