When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
