he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
